Stages of Grief

Ever since I found out about Kate's spinal and femur issues,  I have found myself wheeling and dealing with God.  At first I was asking for all of it.  Just let me take it all.   This is actually a very selfish act for me.  I am too weak to watch my baby go through this.  So, after I didn't hear back, I decided to changed tactics.   I started asking to just give me the pain.  I got thinking that maybe this was Kate's trial in life and I shouldn't be messing with it.  But,  surely I could take the pain that Dr.'s seem to be sure is coming.  I assured Him that I was truly thankful that she wasn't having any pain yet,  and that I was also very thankful she was running around like she didn't have a care in the world.  And just a few hours ago it occurred to me that I was bargaining,  as in stages of grief bargaining!  I can be a little slow,  so this isn't a shocker,  but I was still surprised. 

When I lost my hearing, got tinnitus, migraines, etc.,  I never once placed blame on the big guy upstairs.  I certainly do not do that now.   I understand that we are given bodies when we come to this earth and that they are flawed.  That they can become flawed,  broken, and plain messed up.  I have even started to wonder if I was given my physical issues in some part to make myself more prepared to help Kate through this.  I have a friend,  who may read this, hi girl!,  who has told me that she has blamed God for the fact that she has not been able to have children in this lifetime.  I hope I conveyed to her that despite the total suckiness,  yes I am using that word,  of my health issues,  I in no way blame God.  In fact,  I wouldn't take it back for anything.  I have grown more in the last two years than in any other time of my life.  Ok,  I'm rambling.  I guess I just hope that I can convey to Kate,  as she grows older,  that this CAN be a blessing.  That she can take this challenge and use it to her advantage.  It's a HUGE order,  and I know sometimes she is just going to need to be angry and sometimes she's going to need sympathy.  And sometimes,  if she's like her mom,  she's gonna want to hit or throw something.  But,  I know she has many people in life who will help her through this.

It looks like I have a ways to go in the stages of grief.  And each time they give us something new to deal with,  I have to start all over again.  And just as a last thought,  because it never hurts to keep asking,  I will still take her pain.  And if you want to take my tinnitus away,  I'm cool with that too.