Angry

Today I wanted to go buy Kate some clothes for her birthday. This girl loves animals, she has even become a pesceterian, no meat, just fish, since last June. She wants to be a Zoologist. All I wanted was to find a shirt or two with animals on them, she loves them, and shirts with animals on them are EVERYWHERE. But, here's the issue. Miss Kate is turning 11 on October 6. She is currently wearing size 16 shirts, a 14 might fit if it's longer than your standard 14, but more often than not they are too short. I went to two stores today and all the animal shirts stop at size 14. I realize my reaction is because of me, how I am handling this. But, man I was mad. I haven't had this reaction very often, but it has happened before. It was one of those 'if I don't hit something, I am going to burst into tears' moments. Today my steering wheel took the brunt of it. I stormed out of the store and went right to my car. I didn't turn it on, I just balled my fists up and hit that stupid, and unbelievably hard, steering wheel. It actually felt good to hurt. I'll probably get a bruise. I may have also yelled a little as I was hitting the steering wheel. I know I did. It helps. Somehow, it helps.

The problem is, that I cannot solve the problem. It just keeps growing and changing and I can't keep up. As soon as we fix one issue, another crops up. The last couple months have been rough, won't lie. Between my Abby moving, my health issues, and Kate's, I am officially tired. I am only putting it here, in writing, so someday I can look back and read this and know that this time is over. It's a funny thing, I have pictures on my phone of Kate in her body cast, Kate in her wheelchair, Kate straight out of eye surgery, and when I see them, I don't feel like it's over. I feel sorry for the Kate in those pictures. I feel my chest hurt all over again. I cannot fathom how I made it through those times. And 'those times' are never going to end. Ever. That is my frustration. My pain. I would give up anything to take this from that sweet girl. I would gladly go totally deaf tomorrow, give up my last years of hearing, I would have given it at the beginning. Is it possible I am still in the bargaining stage years into this? Maybe the stages eventually just get put on repeat.

I am the master of having a plan, even if my plan doesn't fix the problem at hand. But, if I have a plan, then I can take some kind of action, I can move forward. I can start my car and move. And that is how I got out of that parking lot. My plan? I'm gonna go buy some sushi and go give my kids a hug. That's it. But it was enough. I had a place to go and I started on my way. I picked up my sushi, and some freshly shelled peas, and took off to give Kate a hug.

When I saw her, she had a huge smile on her face. And she was wearing her brace. She was so excited to show me how messy her room was, haha. Total wreck. She likes to see my reaction. I love her so much. It did make me feel better. It always does. It's supposed to be 99 degrees on Saturday and I asked if she would want to go to Disneyland in that heat wearing her brace and she said yes. That's my tentative plan, see a plan. They help.  Tonight she will spend her first night in the brace, tomorrow will tell how things are going. She claims she's getting used to it.

This blog, it's a good way to keep people informed, but posts like this, that I won't make a point in sharing, are for me. This is my therapy, even as I type this in tears. It will help tomorrow be a better day. At least that is the hope. I know Kate is loved, I am loved, our family is loved. I feel it, I know it, and I am eternally grateful. Tomorrow I will probably hate that I spill my guts on here, and believe it or not, I am holding back.  Mostly because I know this helplessness will pass. It has before, and I hold on to that truth. Forgive the complaining and whining and all of it, but it sure feels good to get out of my system.