Life On Paper

 I realize that my life on paper really stinks. I won't even write it down for everyone to read, it really is rather depressing. Kate's diagnosis, my hearing, headaches and everything else, it's rotten, I won't lie. But the truth is, I'm happy. We are always told that attitude is everything, deciding to be happy when things suck. Well, guess what, it's true. I am on a site for those who have experienced a sudden loss of hearing and it's amazing to read about the different attitudes on there. Some people curl up in a corner and cry, change the way they interact with people, become depressed. Then there are people who seem to roll with the punches. They joke about how they hear things incorrectly, how they made a total fool of themselves at the store, etc. and they are happy.  Life isn't fair.  It just isn't. I can look at every family I know and point out their struggles. We all have them, we all signed up for this ride we call life.

Kate, she has an amazing attitude. Part of that I think is because she's a kid, but part of it is because we have learned to point out the positive things, and when the negative stuff happens, we say that really stinks, we hug and cry, and then we go do something fun. She's an amazing kid, all my kids are. I look to them for cues, guidance on how to live my life.

The day I found out I was losing my hearing was the same day of the shooting at the elementary school back east. Talk about putting things into perspective. I walked out of clinic, stood outside and listened to all of the noises around me. The wind was blowing. I remember thinking, I will miss this. I took a deep breath and walked to my van. My music came on as I started it up, I thought wow. I will miss this the most. Yes, I know, the sounds of the kids voices, the birds outside, the waves hitting the beach, there are many sounds to choose from, but my get me happy and dancing pick-me-up has always been music.

I told Abby that day that I was most likely going to go deaf. She started to cry. She said she couldn't believe that I would never be able to hear sounds at Disneyland again. When she said that, and I looked into her red eyes, I thought this is dumb. I am making my baby sad. I stopped right then, looked at Abby and forced a laugh. I said I guess we need to go a lot so I have every sound at Disneyland memorized! She instantly perked up. That was it. That was all I needed to know that how I handle this will affect everyone around me. So, I'm not sad. I'm really not. I get angry for a few minutes here and there, but I'm good, really. How can I not be? I am so very blessed. My life is freaking amazing!

I am in charge of the book at book club tonight. I started to find some discussion questions and looking at quotes from the book and just got thinking, which started this rant on here. The book is called The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I read it  some time ago, and it literally said things I feel. Things about pain, about changes in life you have no control over, about living to the fullest. You should read it. And if you do, and you don't love it, you need to be seen by a doctor, there's something serious messed up with you. haha

Google quotes from John Green and this book.  So many great ones. Just a couple that spoke to me.

“You have a choice in this world, I believe, about how to tell sad stories, and we made the funny choice.”
 - John Green

“Even then, it hurt. The pain was always there, pulling me inside of myself, demanding to be felt. It always felt like I was waking up from the pain when something in the world outside of me suddenly required my comment or attention.”- John Green

This will be on the wall of my book store. As soon as I get my book store :)

“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. And then there are books like An Imperial Affliction, which you can't tell people about, books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like betrayal”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars